redefining, redescovering, reloving

Yo all- a long time since I wrote a blog so feels like a lot to update you lot on!

considering this year is my part time year I've not had the time, or rather the motivation for blogging- for the last few months I've thrown my self in to Church and CU stuff. but I've gone to far.

For the last couple of months its been realy hard to motivate my self to do most things, especially uni work, even getting out of bed some days had been like running a marathon, everyday I felt like I had to re-prove how usefull I was to everyone, Prove I was good enough to have around.

But thats when the problems happen- what happens when someone is just as good as something you at something, or even better, well its been soul sapping, even for something such as a love a small group leading had become a chore, because rather than being confidant in my abilities and gifting, I felt I had to compeat with Katie rather than work with her, and when it seemed that I had no way of 'beating her' there was no reason to compete anymore, no reason to use the gifting God gave to me, no reason for me to even be here. and so when i sat there getting in depressed how I'm no good at anything, Katie contacts me with a funny one liner and I give her a Dan Brown special of how I'm the worst people ever to existed, defiinatly not what she was expecting





However God has realy worked the back end of this week, I've been lucky enough to spend time talking and enjoying the company of some realy good friends.

First of all Jamie M who dispight the fact he was up at 7am the next morning for a meeting sat with me till about 1am chatting about my life up untill then, and for the first time in a long time I allowed someone to take an interest in who I am, rather putting up barriers by forcing someone to talk about them, or making shallow talk about what I'm up to (and trying to prove how useful I am) we talked a lot about my past, and it felt like I was opening a lot of doors that I'd forced to stay shut for a long time.  After leaving jamie's it took me between an hour and a half and 2 hours to get from ashenhurst to marsh and I was crying most of the way home, because for the first time in a long time I'd allowed someone to get to me, and although it was one of the most 'painful' things I've been through in the last few months, it was also one of the most needed, and God taught me a lot of stuff over that time, although I was a experiences small group leader, a willing volunteer and insperation, that was just qualtites of who I was, and I'd let it define me rather than allowing my self to just be loved by people, I'd relised I was trying to prove to people it was worth loving me

I then had a great day meeting up with Katie, who when I'd orginaly broken down at her over FB, then had broken down to her, we had agreed to meet up and chat. However this is where God (and katie) surprised  me. I was expecting to be allowed to take up an hour of her time, then excusees would be made and I'd spend another evening home alone, but instead spent the day hanging out with her, laughing, joking and enjoying some very good music, by Josh and Bob before sitting in a pub and just hanging out!

the following morning there was a student men's breakfast at community and it was great to spend time and hang out with some realy inspireing people (Bob, Matt H, Matt S and Mark) eating lots of pig and drinking lots of tea! Great morning all round!


then last night Jolita invited me round for tea and one of the cheesiest predictable christian films I've seen, which had us both in sticker at times (mostly at how 'black' the church was) and it was a just a realy good time of chilling out, letting my hair down (not that I have much of it) and allowing me to be me, not me the Councillor, or me the inspirational mad man, or anything else of me trying to prove myself to myself, to others or to God, but me being a son of God, his prized creation, a work of art, and someone who is loved and saved by grace, and not how useful I am to people